I Can’t Do This Right Now

I can’t do this right now. Why not you ask?

Maybe I just don’t want to. Maybe I can’t. I feel pushed, prodded and sometimes controlled. Don’t you? Do you ever feel that life isn’t what it pretends to be? It’s suppose to be solid, containable, readable and so reliable. To me it feels more like a clogged drain. The water just swirling around with no where to go, except around in a continuous circle. That’s me, one big circle with no exit sign. You know I think the whole world is that way. All of us, people, waiting for the right person, place or idea to come along and plunge us into a clarity that cleans us up. Unclog the drain, see the water flow and rinse it out with something new.

Sounds about right I think. Remember the phrases “Pete and repeat sitting on a fence, Pete fell off now repeat…” Feels like that. We await the car to pick us up, tell us where to go, maybe give us a map but we inherently forget we need to understand where we are going first before we can even get off the fence. I’m tired of waiting aren’t you?

I just can’t do this. It seems so hard when I think about the criteria. It’s like a course in physics when I never took any science at all. Yet my mind tells me to go ahead, not because I could learn something but because I would most likely fail. I’m not ready to fail, or am I? Now I really have something to think about. Is it in the act of failing that we find knowledge. Is it because failure is not failure at all. We judge ourselves on our misgivings instead of valuing the idea of learning.

Do you ever take a chance because, well maybe for no reason. Maybe because it’s just different? Go back to school or get super fit when your to old to try? Get new ideas about an old subject you never could rap your mind around? Choices come along like people who wait on fences. we wait for one particular idea to awaken us when there are 30 others that come by and want your attention. We just can’t see sometimes what’s in front of us.

I still don’t know if I can do this right now. I want to say I can’t and never will but is that the right choice? We are made to challenge things, us humans. We are bred for courage, otherwise we would have vanished a long time ago. So why are we so weak when it comes to inner strength?

I can do this. My heart tells me I must. Forget the list of why and what for and make a new list of where it could take me and what I will learn. Can good things come out of great surprises. A mask is just that a mask. So the same with all the costumes we wear.

I think I will. Be naked that is. Get off the fence and not repeat the same thing again. Find a different choice and have the courage to challenge me. It feels strange to say this and I do have some stress but I can never know why I am me unless I swim the deepest oceans, climb the highest mountains and walk the deserts of life.

I can do this right now. I can.

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